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Oh! I didn't tell you the best part. To get a new debit card, I need to take a photo of myself in front of the address I want it sent to.
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While holding my passport to prove I'm me. Like some kind of hostage photo.
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Update: photo wasn't clear enough. Sorry it's hard to take a selfie in the rain holding a passport & making sure the address is visible.
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Oh yeah. I can't get a CA license until I can prove residency. Which I can't do w/o an address. That I can't get w/o access to my money.
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And we've come full circle. Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall.